I love you...right?

There is this song that the refrain says “I love you Jesus” over and over. I found myself in church one Sunday morning feeling incredibly awkward. I was struggling to sing along and that caught me off guard – of course I love Jesus. So why was it so hard to say that?

This bothered me for a while, but I didn’t really know where to go with it. It forced me stop and consider why I would have trouble saying that to God…and then reevaluate how I handle love with those around me.

Without rehashing a bunch of history, I am squarely in the Type A column (I like to think recovering.) Somewhere along the way I learned to use performance to determine the level of acceptance or love that I felt from those around me. When performance didn’t work, I didn’t pivot – no, I just kept striving harder. Over time, performance transitioned into a space that defined me for myself, not just how I perceived others to see me. What I have realized is I’ve basically spent my life doing to show people that I love them and hopefully earn their love in return.

This behavior manifested in some really unhealthy ways. It has created barriers and struggles with most of my relationships.

An unclear definition of love will permeate your environment completely,

distorting everything.

Until the Lord began digging this up, I didn’t even realize I still lived in this definition. The last few weeks have felt like something of an archeological dig with the Holy Spirit carefully dusting the dirt off these deeply buried bones, carefully examining each piece as it was uncovered…and frankly, I think there is still a lot more digging to do.

How am I supposed to experience love, giving and receiving, without performance? In exactly the Lord’s way, this Bible Study I am failing miserably with regarding consistency (but the Lord’s timing is always perfect, right?) said this:

When your love relationship with God is the most important aspect of your life, “you do not need to do something to feel fulfilled.”  (Experiencing God, Blackaby)

Y’all – this shook me to my core. How am I, an acts of service doer, supposed to wrap my head around being fulfilled in a relationship that I do not need to do something for. I can’t. Or I couldn’t, now I’m trying, but seriously.

I needed to reevaluate the framework I’m operating within. When I think about how God loves me, I realize how drastically different His love is from anything I have ever experienced on earth. No person on earth has sacrificed as big to ensure I stay reconciled with them. What you choose to do for God after that is a product of the relationship you’re building with him – but he’s set his expectations at ground zero.

Know what I did for you, why I did it, and what it means for us. That’s it.

If I’m created in God’s image, and as a Christ-follower I am to mirror who Christ was on earth, then how I love others should look like the way Christ loved me.

He died for me before he even knew if I would accept this relationship.

And then he said:

I want to work with you, but I don’t require it from you.

You choose how deep this goes.

I’m still shook, and I haven’t quite fleshed out the repercussions to all of this. I struggle to spend quiet time daily. (That’s a love problem, not a scheduling problem according to Mr. Blackaby – and I would agree!) I like to think I’m so much more mature than old me. I’m fully surrendered to God’s plan. I worship and thank him and understand the grace and mercy he’s given me. I’m incredibly grateful and 100% bought in to what he’s doing. But my inability to express love in a healthy way is affecting my ability to express love to God in the way he’s asked. If the core of a love relationship with God is time spent with him, and the key to having my own cup be filled and stay filled is time spent with him – then no wonder I’m feeling so off-kilter and exhausted lately.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

I used to read this and think this was a list of how I was expected to treat those I love (and it technically is.) But more than that, it is a list of how God treats us. We’re perfectly imperfect – and we might get some of this right some of the time, but we’ll struggle to love others in this way. But God – he lives every part of this, every day, for every one of us. We just need to learn to accept it…and it costs us nothing.