A slice of humble pie, please.

I have been working through a study about building your relationship with God so that you can hear him when he invites you to come along with his plan. It’s great. (Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby) It’s also incredibly humbling.

I would love to think that I have passed the point of needing a good humbling. I would love to think that since I have grasped the practical nature of a relationship with Jesus, that I could avoid at least the doses of humility that bring me to my knees. I would love to think that the knowledge I carry about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit and the Bible and scripture would save me from that lesson. Chalk it up to my human nature, but it doesn’t.

My study today was talking about character. God will always develop your character to be match the assignment. I read that and it was as if the God himself was sitting behind me and asked, “what is the current state of your character?”

That’s a great question. I looked back on my answers – I want God to work through my life. I want to adjust immediately to his plans, even at the expense of my own plans. I want to write down what God says to me because I know that sometimes it can be years before YOU’RE ready for what God said he would do. (See Abraham, David, and Paul for examples – all of whom heard from God what the plan was and then spent years in development for the assignment.) I desire in the depths of my heart to respond that way…and then I remembered…

We didn’t talk about it much at all, but about 4 months ago we found out we were pregnant again. [In case you don’t know our story, here is the 30 second version: God said we were going to have a baby. (Important side note: we aren’t spring chickens.) We lost a baby. Then we had a baby. Yay, God’s promise! You’re caught up now.] Four months ago, there was going to be another baby. I’m ashamed at my response. It was all 100% rational through a human perspective, but after we lost that baby…after the fear and anxiety and desperation left…I couldn’t help but feel like we missed out on something great with God. I couldn’t help but feel like it was a little test of how much we trusted him with our lives and we failed. And I will wonder every day for the rest of my life if I missed a miracle because I was scared.

How many miracles do we miss because we’re scared? And I’m not even talking about the life changing ones…I’m talking about the little ones. The person you could have seen come to know Jesus if you’d just said hello like the Holy Spirit prompted. The very specific prayer you answered when you asked that coworker to lunch. The kid that had dinner because you gave the $20 bill to the stranger. The mom that had 5 minutes to rest because you dropped off dinner. In truth, those are the easy things to say yes to – but would you say yes if it meant realigning your plans to hop on board with God’s?  

Perhaps my character still needs some work. Perhaps I’m still picking and choosing what plans I choose to join. Perhaps I’m still a little more human than I hoped I’d be. I can look at my current character and still see the selfish decisions, the alignment with the things that meet my desires,  the times I should have kept my mouth shut or spoke to uplift instead of bring down. I imagine I’ll be struggling with those things until I reach eternity…but I’ll be actively struggling to be different, to deny my own nature and seek after God’s instead. And I’ll be praying I’m not so dense that I miss the miracles.