A love like Jesus

Last Tuesday, my oldest son told me that he didn’t want to have a relationship with me. He felt like we didn’t know each other, and he didn’t see the point. This was on the back end of a horrible fight, where lots of things were said and done on both sides. He inappropriately crossed the line. So did I. I should have walked away – I was too emotional.  

This Tuesday, after a week of processing the onslaught of emotions (depression, exhaustion, hopelessness, failure, guilt, shame, anger, sadness…), I washed and folded 5 loads of his laundry. I cleaned his room. I cleaned his closet. I removed the teenage funk smell – if you don’t have teen boys yet, just wait. I nicely boxed up the things I had hastily thrown in a bag in anger last Tuesday. And then I sat in his room for an hour, feeling the emptiness.

Your face may look like my husband’s when I told him what I planned to do Monday night. Or my brothers when he walked in on me carrying a load of laundry to his room to fold. Or even mine, when the thought first crossed my mind.

He’s going to think he won. He didn’t do anything to deserve it. For weeks I begged for him to do those chores. He was disrespectful. He disregarded my authority. He didn’t obey. He doesn’t pull his weight.

All of those statements are most likely true. I’d be lying if I didn’t second guess my decision all night long. But over and over the Lord kept saying: “You thought you won. You didn’t do anything to deserve it. For years I begged you to listen to me. You were disrespectful. You disregarded my authority. You didn’t obey. You didn’t pull your weight.  But I still loved you. I still forgave you. I still went to the cross knowing that you would do all of that again and again. I knew you’d rebel. I knew you’d forsake me. But I loved you enough to die for you anyway…and that is how I want you to love others.” So I spent my day today, serving my son the way Jesus served me; sacrificially, full of mercy and love.

We often disregard Christ’s actions on the cross. We take for granted that we were forgiven all we would do before we even did it. We leave out the part where Jesus says, “My command is this: love each other as I have loved you.” (John 15:12) Or Paul who instructed the Ephesians, “Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32) We’re so focused on being right that we lose the chance to show Jesus in our actions.

I can be a pride-filled woman. It is 100% of the conflict that has existed between me and my son his entire life. It wasn’t malicious, I truly thought I was doing what was best for him – after all, he is a child and needs guidance. But if I’m honest with my heart, more often than not I think I wanted to win.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. – Proverbs 11:2

The Lord detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished. – Provers 16:5

It’s true. There are consequences to our actions even when we don’t realize we’re doing anything wrong. I have spent almost 17 years with the opportunity to make sure my son knows God’s love. Let me tell you how epically I feel like I have failed most days. So when God asked me to show him love the way Jesus shows us love – I had to obey. He may not appreciate it this week, or next month, or even next year; but I hope when he looks back 5 years from now, he remembers this small act as a great act of love and forgiveness. I hope that he sees Jesus in me. And I will consider that God’s success, not my own…because in my own power I know I wouldn’t have done it.