When I can't explain it for you...

I’ve had trouble writing the last few days, overwhelmed with emotion and not really sure how to process what’s happening to me in a way that I could clearly articulate what God would want to say out of it. I’m overcome by devastation at what is happening not only in my own life, but in the world today. So much hurt and pain, in truth it was too hard to sit down and tell you to trust in God in all things.

I’ve been thinking about the root of why it’s hard to trust God. Aside from the fact that we know he is all-powerful and could stop all of the pain and suffering whenever he wanted, we’re scared. Fear is a massive motivator for separating Christians from God. We fear for the safety of our children. We fear disappointing people. We fear being able to provide. We fear our marriages. We fear being single. Fear, fear, fear. But if we believe God is who he says he is…why do we not believe he can do what he says he can do?

Sunday, our guest Pastor talked about how God doesn’t just prune the dead things from our life, but sometimes he removes the good things. He used the example of a rose bush. When pruning a rose bush you remove the dead leaves, but sometimes you remove the smaller good leaves that are taking resources from the main branches. There is nothing bad about these stems, they’re just using resources that could be given to the stronger parts of the bush.

It’s hard to think about some of the good things that could be removed from our lives so that the better things can flourish. Sometimes I think we feel entitled to certain things in our lives that we claim as our own – forgetting that literally everything that we have is God’s first. We’re entrusted to care for it as long as he gives it to us, but really if he chooses to remove it there isn’t a lot we can do but trust that his plan is better and everything truly belongs to him.

Our children. Our homes. Our money. Our freedom. Our lives. All his, to give and take as he sees fit for the greater purpose of his plan.

Our oldest has decided to end his relationship with me. My mama-heart is broken into a million pieces over it. Guilt, shame, bitterness – I carried them all for several days. I asked my husband if God could really remove something like THAT from my life and mean it for good. With wisdom he responded that maybe it isn’t about me at all…maybe this is about him. I’m struggling with the fact that any of this could end in good – but the real question is, do I trust God or not? It doesn’t matter if it’s for me or him. It doesn’t matter if I understand it or not. All that matters is that God knew this would come and he has promised not to forsake either one of us. So I will give over to God what I cannot control or understand, in faith that he knows exactly what he is doing. I will look for the lessons I can learn from what’s happened. I will pray for the safety and provision of my child who is hurting and lost, and I will lean not on my own understanding – because in truth, my mother heart can’t understand it. I will repent, and offer forgiveness as frequently as I am asking for it. And I will wait on the Lord.

During a middle of the night Bible session, I stumbled upon Psalm 25 and it has become my consistent prayer. I’ll leave it here for you – and while I pray you’ll never need it, if you do I hope it offers the solace and encouragement that I felt when I read it.

Psalm 25, of David

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.

Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.

Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful toward those who keep the demands of his covenant. For the sake of your name, Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

Who, then, are those who fear the Lord? He will instruct them in the ways they should choose. They will spend their days in prosperity, and their descendants will inherit the land. The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me!

Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you.

Deliver Israel, O God, from all their troubles!

Deliver us, O God, from all our troubles. In these dark moments when we feel lost and alone, remove all fear and let us feel your presence. We believe it when you say that you will never leave us – so in the moments we can’t see your hand moving or feel your presence, protect the tiny flame of hope we have inside…for without it, we have nothing.