The Medicine for a Bitter Heart

“It is so ‘unnatural’ for a person to forgive those who hurt them and to desire reconciliation that there is no greater testimony to the lost.”  - R.T. Kendall

It seems appropriate after a post about bitterness to discuss the weapon we have been given to fight against it. I received enough feedback to know that many of you suffer from the effects of a bitter heart, either by your own or someone you love. God desires for us to live a life full of joy, love, and peace – but we can’t truly experience those blessings until we’re willing to let go of the anger, bitterness and resentment than can build up in us. It’s not surprise that these negative feelings are a constant battle; we live in a broken world with broken people. There is no shortage of hurt and disappointment in this life – scripture warns us of that. From the Old Testament to the new, we’re warned against the suffering we will experience in this life, but each verse is finished with the hope of what we are to gain by these trials.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. – Isaiah 43:2

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trail because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. – James 1:12

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33

Bitterness grabs hold of our hearts when we struggle to forgive. Many people see forgiveness as weakness, but there is great power in the act of forgiveness. The Bible tells us “if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” (Matthew 6:14) I don’t know about you, but I know I am in need of constant forgiveness. If I believe the Word is the truth, then forgiveness of others is a requirement to obtain my own forgiveness.

Several years ago I was given the book “Total Forgiveness” by R.T. Kendall. I’m not going to sit here and pretend like this book was easy to read…as a matter of fact, I think it took me a couple of years to get through it. If you know me, you know that is NOT the norm – I am typically the devourer of books. But this one forced me to stop and consider my heart, and to consider letting go of a lot of things I wasn’t ready to let go.  

At this time in my life my marriage was strained, to say the least. We fought more than we spoke, and even the speaking words carried bite. My heart was hardened against my husband, and the last thing I felt like he deserved was my forgiveness and grace. And here was this book, who knew nothing about what I was going through, asking me to totally forgive – everyone, including myself, and every thing.

When we talk about forgiveness, the flesh fights hard against it rationalizing the injustice that forgiveness would cause. It feels like: approval, an excuse, justification, pardoning, reconciliation, denial, blindness, forgetting, refusal to take it seriously, or pretending we aren’t hurt. Kendall addresses all of those feelings – and none of them are accurate. The act of forgiveness isn’t for the offender, it’s for us.

“The absence of bitterness allows the Holy Spirit to be Himself in us. This means that I will become like Jesus. When the Spirit is grieved, I am left to myself, and I will struggle with emotions ranging from anger to fear. But when the Holy Spirit is not grieved, He is at home with me; He will begin to change me into the person He wants me to be, and I will be able to manifest the gentleness of the Spirit. Relinquishing bitterness is an open invitation for the Holy Spirit to give you His peace, His joy, and the knowledge of His will.” - R.T. Kendall, Total Forgiveness

I could put 1,000 quotes from the book in here to redefine forgiveness for you and encourage you in your quest to achieve joy, peace, and love – but really you should just read the book yourself. It won’t be easy, and it will dig up a lot of junk from your heart, but if you persevere through it you’ll end at a place that makes life much more pleasant.

Forgiving those who wronged us doesn’t mean you have to be their best friend; it just means you are refusing to let the spirit of bitterness build up and cloud this amazing walk with Jesus you’re on. As Christians we’re quick to hold on to the promises God gave us in the Bible, and often we’re quick to overlook the conditions He set for those promises. Throughout the Bible you’ll find that often the promise is conditioned by our ability to love and forgive others. Don’t let your stubborn pride create a wall between you and the blessings of God.

I was asked how we as wives should handle a husband lost to bitterness. Unfortunately, we were not given the power to change hearts. But we were given the power of prayer, and of forgiveness, and of example. 1 Peter 3:1-2 says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” I think this applies to most of the world, and I have personally seen this work. Sow the seeds of love and forgiveness in your daily actions. Give your husband to God in prayer; it’s our most powerful tool. When we learn to accept the gift Christ gave us for free, no strings attached, we can wage war against bitterness. With His help, hearts can change.

I am praying fervently for each and every one of you. I pray that God will give you the courage and strength to continue on this journey; to seek Him through the unrighteousness of the world around us; and to learn to love like Jesus. I pray your hearts are softened to Him, and that you feel His presence daily.