The Bitter Heart

Bitterness. It’s a funny thing. It makes you feel powerful, in control, self-righteous. It’s justified – retribution for the wrong committed against you. If the universe won’t hand down the punishment, you can certainly hand down some form.

I can’t think of one person I know that hasn’t experienced some kind of hurt that left them angry and bitter inside. It has many faces, permeates every kind of relationship imaginable, and spoils the soul of everyone involved. It’s funny how we fail to recognize how the bitterness is eating at our own insides, creating a pit in our hearts that we can hide the pain in around a false sense of security. The root of bitterness silently and slowly wrappping itself around your heart until the next thing you know it’s stolen your peace, and the grip is so tight you can’t figure out how to let it go. And that’s all before the physical effects kick in.

It destroys families, friendships and – most often – marriages.  My husband and I are not strangers to bitterness. The beginning of our marriage was rife with hurt – on both sides. We spent a lot of time tearing each other down, and in the process overwhelmed ourselves with a sturdy root of bitterness. You know the cycle – I’m mad at you because you hurt me, so I’m going to hurt you, so you hurt me…and so on the cycle continues, strengthening the bitterness we feel towards each other until any resemblance of love is choked out.

Sometimes, it’s not even controllable. A chronic illness that requires constant support. An accident that takes away a loved one. I don’t know about some of you, but more often than not I’m bitter toward myself. It may even start out being bitter toward someone else, but eventually it gets turned around and pointed at myself. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we live in a broken world. There is no shortage of things to be bitter about.

It’s the enemy, y’all. Bitterness causes a rift in relationships – whether it’s with others or between you and God (because internally focused bitterness will always cause a rift between you and God.) Once you’re separated from God, you forget your identity in Him and the downward spiral picks up steam.

So how do you move forward? Let. It. Go.

All of those nights you spent angry, crying, desolate, hurting – you could have been channeling that energy into all of the things that build you up. Mercy. Grace. Forgiveness. Love. (It always seems to come back to love, doesn’t it?) All of the things Christ offered you on the cross; no payment necessary, no good deeds required. Pure, unadulterated.

• Grace: courteous goodwill – getting what you don’t deserve

• Mercy: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm – not getting what you do deserve

• Forgiveness: letting go of sin

The only way to battle bitterness taking root in your heart is to put what you’re feeling in the perspective of what Christ gave you. Is it easy? No. You have to be willing to set aside pride and humble yourself. You have to be willing to watch someone who hurt you go seemingly unpunished. (I say seemingly specifically because you really don’t know.)

I like to think about the time Jesus was in the city when they found the adulterous woman (John 8:1-11).

“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?" They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, "All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!" - John 8:4-5,7

It may not seem relevant, but it is. When I feel myself slipping into bitterness over some wrong committed against me, I stop myself. Before I start slinging the stones of accusation at my offender, I stop and think about all of the wrongs I have committed, intentionally or not, and all of the opportunity for future wrongs. I usually can't justify throwing the first stone after that. 

Christ gave his life for you; He took the punishment so that you wouldn’t have to. The least we can do is offer a fraction of that mercy to those who have offended us. And if you believe that Christ died for you, then you have to believe the rest of the promises in the Bible – He loves you. He is for you. He is your protector and provider. So even when you’re mad at Him, you have to believe that He sees a bigger picture than you. He offered you the definitive gift of mercy and grace – can’t you offer Him the same?

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. – Lamentations 3:19-23

I’m a sinner. You’re a sinner. Guess what, your offender is probably a sinner…and if your offender isn’t a sinner then He is sinless. I think we can all use a bit of grace and mercy, and in the absence of that – we can fall back on faith.

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. – Hebrews 12:15

If you’re currently married it’s critical that you let it go. That root is buried deep in your heart, and it’s going to hurt when you rip it out. You’ll bleed, but it’s the only way the flesh can start to heal. Bind the wounds with faith in God’s love, and let the process begin. Until you let it go, you’ll continue to damage your marriage until it’s unsalvageable – and once that is destroyed you’ll have a much harder time moving forward. I promise you, if you’re bitter you’ve caused an equal amount of hurt to your spouse and created plenty of opportunity for them to be equally bitter toward you. You’re no longer the victim, you’re a willing participant. Give it to God, leave it at the cross, and move forward…for your own wellbeing if not theirs…and things will begin to change.