It's OK to not be OK

I am not okay today.

That was the theme of most of last week. I spent several days melancholy, off-kilter, exhausted and feeling unprepared for everything I faced. I don’t know why. There was no reason behind it. My husband must have asked 1,000 times what was wrong and how could he help me, to which I listlessly responded I don’t know, I should be fine, I just don’t feel like myself. For several days this hovered over me, and I tried to shove it to the side and press on. Until it hit me…

Let me tell you what it DID do last week. I struggled to focus, so writing my blog was incredibly hard. Because I felt unprepared, I was distracted from my normal routine of study in the mornings to try and feel prepared for the day instead. Scripture I did read blurred together, and I just gave up. A book on marriage I was incredibly interested in finishing, sat untouched for the whole week. My brain was too tired to comprehend and think about what God wanted me to hear, so I just didn’t try. And because it felt so physical, I completely missed the spiritual effect it was having on my life. I never thought to take it to God. I never considered the possibility that it was a very successful scheme to keep me out of God’s word and God’s presence.

Want to know the funniest part? God gave me the answer to the problem – He put on my heart a blog about prayer, which I worked on several times last week and never EVER connected the dots.  See, we all falter. We’re all tricked sometimes. We all come up against things that we could give to God, but forget and try to manage it in our own physical strength without him. And the result was a week of feeling unlike myself, distracted and separated from God. As I went to bed Friday night, I prayed the truth to God – how I was feeling, why my response to it was wrong, I asked for forgiveness for not turning to him sooner. Immediately, my heart was filled with joy and anticipation at the time I could spend one on one with him the next morning. I had direction on what to read when I woke up, and I literally dreamed about the anticipation. I felt whole again, because I finally surrendered.

I’m a strong, smart, independent woman. I have spent the majority of my life depending on myself, working hard in my own strength, relying on no one so that I couldn’t be disappointed by anyone. Just because I know Jesus does not mean that these qualities immediately disappeared from my character; just the opposite actually…they are quite frequently used to distract me from relying on God. The world is so caught up in personal success that there is this sense of devaluing dependence, even on an almighty Creator. But over and over in scripture we’re encouraged to seek God for strength, and this is especially important when we’re walking in his calling!

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. – Isaiah 40:28-31a

It’s okay to not be okay. My hope is that you have a circle of believers you can reach out to when you feel yourself slipping. People who can pray for you, encourage you in your walk, and understand how hard it is to live for Christ in a dark world. So often we seek worldly rest, when what our hearts are really craving is the peace of God. But don’t let the struggles of this world tire you to the point that you let go of God instead of running to him. He is waiting for you, he has promised that, and all you have to do is ask.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10

If you do not have a current circle of believers, I would encourage you to focus on building one in your community. In the meantime, I would love to get to know you, pray for you, and encourage you on your walk. You can interact on Instagram or Facebook (@pathwithpotholes).  My hope is that these platforms provide a way for us to meet each other where we are in support, love and prayer.