It's ok if you only survived

It’s okay if all you did this year was survive.

That pretty much sums it up. In the last 7 months of 2023 I lost a father-in-law, a baby, my grandpa (one of the top influential men in my life), and my hedgehog. I know that last one seems silly, but as I told my husband, it was just the cherry on top of the death sundae that was 2023. I started a blog several days ago that was intended to discuss why bad things happen (maybe one day I’ll finish it). I’ve learned when I’m struggling to write, I’m writing in my own power and the Holy Spirit isn’t part of that conversation. I want to know that this blog is covered in His presence, and He is speaking through me. I didn’t understand at the time why it was so hard – it’s a topic almost everyone struggles with at some point in their life…but I think maybe now I know. Because the answer to that question isn’t the point.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have it’s perfect [complete] work, that you may be perfect [completeness] and complete [complete in every part that is perfectly sound (in body), entire whole], lacking [wanting] nothing. – James 1:2-4

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. - Romans 5:3-5

I have struggled to find joy in this season. I have certainly not had a heart of rejoicing in the sufferings. I’ve spent a lot of time doubting, questioning, isolating, struggling with unbelief, feeling anxious, and probably the worst: lacking any desire to pursue God, His plan, or His purpose. This last little bit has left me feeling lost, confused, and unsettled for a couple months now.

The last week or so, God has been sending message after message about the season of waiting. I know about waiting seasons, and maybe I’ve even been in one before, but I honestly couldn’t tell you because “waiting” isn’t really in my vocabulary. My speed is more like, when in doubt, find something to do. These messages pricked at something in my soul, but I couldn’t really figure out what. Truthfully, I don’t think I know HOW to wait. As I began to consider that quite possibly God has me in a season of waiting in my life, I realized that many of my prayers over the last couple of months have been “God give me purpose – give me something to DO.” Not exactly a waiting posture. And as much as I wanted to ignore it and move on and continue asking God to show me the next step – I have known for several weeks now in the deepest part of me that is not in the current plan. 

This morning, I stood in my kitchen with worship music on and cooking my husband breakfast. I remembered the contentment I felt for a few short months before death creeped in and set up camp – I was focused on spending my time getting closer to God; I found joy in the mundane of laundry and cleaning because for the first time in my life I was serving my family; I was bubbling over with the joy of the Lord in my life, pursuing ministry and sharing openly what the Lord was showing me. I was happy in the deepest depths of my soul. I didn’t care anymore what accomplishment looked like to the world because my life and everything in it was 100% focused on what it looked like to Jesus. I was – am – desperate for THAT. I began to pray:

Lord, let this new year bring me back to that place with you. Help me to not be held back by disappointment but content with whatever you have for me. In my world that is so off-kilter right now, help me find the balance again…but Lord, help me look for the balance in the right place. Bring me back to the place where my eyes are not focused anywhere but on you. Where the circumstances of my physical life mean nothing because I am close to you. Break me of my own worldly desires, regardless of how altruistic they seem. Erase from my mind the plans I made for myself, what I think I want, and help me to look only for your presence in whatever situation I find myself in. Draw me back into a place of full surrender to your purpose and plan for me. Heal the wounds of loss with your peace. Ease my suffering mind from what should have been and what if, and allow me to live in this present moment centered only on you, even if I can’t hear you.

We get these ideas about what we think the next step is…for example, when God tells you you’re going to have a baby, you change directions and start planning the next step as mom. And when that doesn’t work out, it can be incredibly difficult to redirect. For someone like me, that wants to always move forward, I think I’ve often missed the cues to take a few steps back and just sit and regroup with God. This world isn’t set up to accept steps backwards – but if I’ve learned anything at all in the last couple years it’s that God’s plan rarely looks like anything normal through the world’s perspective.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” – Isaiah 55:8-9

So I have accepted this season of my life as a season of waiting. I don’t know how well I’ll do, but I’m going to give it my best effort. I’m releasing the dreams I had in faith that God’s dreams are bigger than I could imagine. I will spend my time seeking a wholeness that comes only from God’s presence. I am letting go of my expectations of His response, guidance, direction – I’m going to attempt to be content sitting right here, where I am currently, until He says move. And in that time I hope I learn more about who He is, what He stands for, and I expect that we’ll spend some time dealing with the “baggage” I still carry…and that’s ok. There’s a lot of that. 😊

I know 2023 has been extra hard for a lot of people…especially those in the Kingdom. I believe God is moving pieces in preparation for a HUGE move, and I believe the enemy is doing everything in his power to distract us from the truth of God. The weight of a fallen world has become heavy on our shoulders. So as you step into this new year, let me encourage you: Don’t be afraid to take a few steps back and regroup with God. Don’t be afraid to not move forward until you clearly know the direction God wants you to go. Continue to focus on drawing His presence close, and I promise He will let you know when it’s time. The only thing you have to fear is being too far away to hear.

At the right time I, the LORD, will make it happen. – Isaiah 60:22

May we all have the endurance to wait for the right time.