I understand Your Word, I don't understand this...

Sometimes, you can’t leave because there is a spiritual battle that needs to be fought and you’re the one that has been put in place to fight it.

I have spent the last couple years deep in study about what the Bible says about marriage. Most who have an in-depth conversation with me about it would say that I am a bit extreme – but the truth is, I just understand more clearly what the picture should be and believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe that, when God puts two people together that marriage is holy. I also understand that in this day in age, we have a horrible habit of taking control over this process, and a lot of times that means we get ourselves into a pickle. We marry the wrong person, decide we aren’t happy, and society is very quick to make it easy for us to leave. In those circumstances, I believe there are consequences to our actions (both good and bad), and some of what we experience we brought on ourselves by excluding God from the decision. But I also believe that God makes everything good – even our bad choices. Just because you decided not to wait on God doesn’t mean that you now have a worldly out or a marriage that God cannot bless and use.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

I’m going to pause here and say: As a woman on a second marriage, I don’t say any of this from a judgmental or shameful place. Both my husband and I say if we knew then what we know now about a godly marriage, we would have made very different decisions along the way. So, whatever has happened before, I get it. Our goal from this knowledge point forward is to make decisions that honor God’s word and the sanctity of marriage, because we’ve already been forgiven of any past mistakes. And to recognize that the path God has laid out is very, very different from the one the world has led us to believe.

It always works in a funny way – there is a space in your life to dig into God’s word and really get a good understanding of what God says about a particular subject…and then that belief is tested. Once I felt like my feet were on really solid ground, and I felt really good about how and what I was ministering to wives (and I was walking it myself)…the enemy comes crawling in to say, “oh, you really think so?” I began to encounter women in marriages that questioned everything I had established as God’s truth in marriage. Men who were abusing or ignoring the leadership God had bestowed upon them as husbands, and ultimately taking advantage of wives who were trying to walk in a godly way to truly be helpers and defer to their decision-making authority.

I’m going to pause here again. This particular post is not the place to get into godly submission. It’s a touchy subject that is vastly misunderstood. For now, let’s suffice it to say this:

• I do not believe that a woman does not have a voice or an opinion in a healthy Christian marriage; I do believe that when a husband and wife cannot agree, the wife should defer to the husband’s decision. There is plenty of scripture to support 1) God’s mandate that the husband is accountable for his family, and 2) God’s protection of wives who are obedient.

• The word “submissive” has been twisted by society to mean something negative, which biblically represents an order of command – similar to an army; someone has to be ultimately responsible, and in Christian marriage it is very clearly the husband. 

• The word “submission” has also been twisted in many Christian marriages to mean you’re not an equal partner in this marriage, you should bend to my will and never disagree, serve me how I want to be served – all of which is one-sided, completely disregarding God’s commands to husbands, and 100% biblically unsound.

• The role of the wife, when played out biblically, is incredibly important and sometimes very heavy. It’s more than one blog post to understand. And the role of a wife is so drastically twisted in society, that unless you’re understanding God’s intention for BOTH spouses, you’re not really getting an accurate picture. They work together, in harmony, to create a truly magical relationship. It’s never one-sided.
  

Anyway, there were several couples I encountered with different circumstances, but each one shook just a little bit the foundation I’d been building for months and months. A walk with God does not mean that you don’t question, doubt, or struggle against God’s word versus what the world has told you is right and fair…and sometimes the world feels right. I was struggling to minister what I knew God’s word said, because I knew exactly what I was asking these women to do – and as a woman, it felt a little bit like asking them to accept “less than.” Truly, I was asking them to have more faith in God and what he could do through their obedience than they did in what they understood in their flesh…but I still have flesh too, and it still rears its ugly head from time to time and I still have to battle against it.

So I began praying. And I won’t lie, there was some crying to my husband. And praying some more. God, why?  You can’t want this for your children. You can’t really expect women to stay in these horrible situations, being verbally and emotionally mistreated by men who are on a power trip and clearly not following your word. Why do you tell them to stay?

At first, all I heard from God was the scripture in Malachi 2:14 (NKJV) [emphasis mine]

Yet you say, “For what reason?” [does God disregard your offering or not accept it – basically why does he ignore me] Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously, yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

Ok, so there are consequences to a husband who deals treacherously with his wife…and many times I’ve watched those consequences rain down on the husband. Sure, he’s unhappy about them and sometimes I see him take accountability for the state of his life and marriage. But a lot of times, everyone sits in that marriage and reaps the punishment of a man who has shirked his godly responsibility to lead his family until he’s finally broken and repentant – which it seems can take forever sometimes.

I kept praying, because while it helped to know God was in the situation and there would eventually be justice, it did not help how I felt about asking women to trust God and withstand the havoc that a disobedient husband was creating for them and, in a lot of cases, their children. And God answered:  Sometimes, you can’t leave because there is a spiritual battle that needs to be fought and you’re the one that has been put in place to fight it. Remember Esther.

Esther’s story is powerful for women; and if you aren’t familiar with it, I would encourage you to read it.

For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this? – Esther 4:14

Oh. See, now this is about more than marriage. Now this is about the spiritual battle going on all around us that so many have been taught to ignore. This is about our Kingdom purpose. This is about what it’s ALL about. The problem is, very few Christians are equipped to fight these kinds of battles! We’re thrown into a serious spiritual conflict, but we haven’t been educated that it even exists in some cases – and even if we do sort of understand that it’s happening, we don’t really know how it affects us in the physical world and we certainly don’t know how to fight it.

Without turning this into a 20-page post – the short version is, prayer is the key. This is why quiet time with God is so important; if you’re diligent in your prayer life with God, he will SHOW you what you’re fighting and TELL you how to fight it. The spiritual battle that has existed for all time does impact our physical lives, and as Christians we’re called to this battle through faithful prayer, harnessing the power and authority we have in Jesus Christ to war against the enemy.

What’s my next step? To prayerfully put together a battle plan. Because sometimes we can’t leave a situation because we’ve been strategically placed somewhere to fight…so if I’m going to walk alongside wives who have been called to battle, we need a battle plan. Prayer is powerful. Prayer changes lives and marriages (even good ones) and people – but we haven’t been taught by the world to cherish prayer in the way that it is effective. (And by we, I’m including me – I’ve been known to shirk my responsibility from time to time…and I even know better from experience.)

So if you’re in this situation, or really any situation that feels hopeless – it’s time to create a battle plan. I’ll be working on one but share with me what you’ve found! I’d love your input and help. Find the scriptures that war against evil, and let’s begin to fight these battles how they were intended to be fought – on our knees, claiming the saving power of Jesus Christ, speaking the life that is God’s word and the promise of victory we have over everything evil. To the world it sounds ridiculous – which is why we don’t do it and is exactly what the enemy wants us to think.  It’s not about your husband; he’s not your enemy…but he might be being USED by your enemy – strike at the right heart.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. – Ephesians 6:12

In the meantime, remember this: no matter what someone says or does, they cannot take away or affect your identity in Jesus Christ. When anyone is tearing you down with lies that say everything is your fault, you’re inadequate, you’re worthless, whoever and whatever it is – you stay focused on the truth. God will fight for you (Exodus 14:14). He will renew your strength because you hope in Him (Isaiah 40:31). No weapon forged against you will prevail (Isaiah 54:17). You are forgiven (John 1:9). You are not alone (Deuteronomy 31:8). God has plans to prosper you (Jeremiah 29:11). God meets all your needs (Philippians 4:9). He is forgiving, and good, and abounding in love (Psalm 86:5). There are hundreds more if you will turn to the source, your Bible.

Repeat them. Memorize them. Carry them with you. Whatever it takes for you to remember whose child you are. And armor up for the battle…this is war, but we have the victory.