Hope & Faith

“I feel my hope shrinking, but my faith is not. I find myself more expectant of the worst-case scenario but fiercely protecting what I know about God. We’re just…waiting. And every moment of waiting is one more moment God could move, so I cherish it alongside that tiny pea-sized fear that is crammed all the way down in the bottom of my gut just sitting there. Perfect love casts out all fear…so I’ll just head to my Bible for a while.”

I wrote that 40 hours after we were told to expect a miscarriage in 2023. I know when I wrote that because I kept a running note in my phone for 133 hours after they told us. I didn’t know why at the time, and I still don’t know of a specific reason, but I knew at a minimum I would want to have something to remember how God walked me through that situation – the terror, grief, and hope. Those 133 hours tripled before we had an answer, and the things I learned during that time with God have been the foundation of many moments since.

I haven’t thought much about Evie Joy or that time recently – obviously, my hands have been full of her sister. But I ran across the note randomly, and as I read through such raw emotion this excerpt stood out, because I know so many who are sitting in a position of shrinking hope, questioning whether God will show up and if so when, wondering why he hasn’t stepped in by now and I want to remind them of one thing: your hope can shrink, but your faith cannot.

I know what it feels like to wonder when the pain will end, to pray for a miracle, to beg God to step off his throne directly into my circumstance and do something about it. I also know what it feels like when it doesn’t seem like he is doing anything, when the miracle doesn’t come, or the pain deepens. Your hope can shrink, you can even be angry with him, but your faith must remain.

The apostles weren’t strangers to this same strange dichotomy. Paul and Silas were headed to pray when they met a slave girl with a spirit of divination. She followed them, yelling loudly, for days until Paul finally turned around and cast the spirit out. Her owners, who made a nice chunk of change off the spirits talents, were so angry they had them both beat up and thrown into prison. (Acts 16:16-24)

How did Paul and Silas respond?

About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them… - Acts 16:25, emphasis mine

Their faith remained strong – and because of that a miracle happened, people were converted, Paul and Silas were set free…hope seemed lost, but faith prevailed.

Or there is the story of Joseph. His brothers were jealous of the prophetic dreams Joseph was having that said he would rule over them. They threw him into a pit, intending to kill him until one of his brothers convinced the others to sell him to a caravan of Ishmaelites (not exactly friends of the Israelites.) Then they took his robe and told their father he had been killed. (Genesis 37) Joseph was then sold to an officer of the Pharaoh, Potiphar, and had earned enough trust to manage all his house…until Potiphar’s wife decided she liked Joseph and made a move on him. He resisted, she lied, he ended up in jail. (Genesis 39) To keep piling it on, in prison, he interprets 2 other prisoners’ dreams and asks one of them to remember him when he is released; he doesn’t. (Genesis 40)

Ouch. If that series of events doesn’t validate some damaged hope...  

Joseph is finally remembered when Pharaoh needs a dream interpreted, and out of gratitude, Pharaoh gives Joseph a position of power. (Genesis 41) Later, his brothers arrive, and Joseph forgives them and is able to save his family. (Genesis 42)

Joseph had a dozen reasons to lose hope through his journey, and I’m sure he struggled with that…but he never lost faith.

Our miracle didn’t come in that moment…it came 7 months later when we learned Cora was on her way. God restored what was lost and kept to his word, but in that moment when I couldn’t see the end from the beginning, all I had to hold on to was faith.

Some wandered in desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in; hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in. Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man. For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things. – Psalm 107:4-9

Psalm 107 is stanza after stanza of situations of hopelessness where a faithful God showed up. Whatever your struggle is, when you are on the last drops of hope you have, hold on to your faith; cry out to the Lord and he will deliver you.