Going Deeper in Grace

Our small group is embarking on a discussion about grace in our marriages. As my husband and I worked through planning the lesson, I couldn’t help but think the principles applied to more than just marriage. If we treated every relationship we had with the same principles of grace, we as Christians would shine in a dark world. Our behavior would stand out so incredibly, it would be undeniable that Christ had changed us. I thought about adapting the lesson for a broader situation here, but then decided to put it out there addressing marriage. If you aren’t married, I would encourage you to apply the principles to the important relationships in your life…and keep these tips in your back pocket for that day.   

This lesson was adapted around principles discussed in the book Grace Filled Marriage by Dr. Tim Kimmel. It’s an excellent read if you’re into that kind of thing. For those willing to share any of your answers, leave a comment below! You never know how your story can help a fellow believer. But most importantly, use the questions to reflect on your life and the Christian example you are (or are not) setting for those around you.

We can study scripture and biblical principles every day and have a theoretical understanding of what God expects from us; however, if we leave out the context of God’s overarching grace and how it applies to real life, we can struggle to execute those principles practically – specifically when it comes to marriage. We’re called to be Christ-like as children of God – never able to actually reach his perfection, but constantly striving to be more like him.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. – Ephesians 5:1

Grace is desiring the best for your spouse, considering their needs above your own, even when they don’t deserve it. God’s actions toward us should be mimicked in our lives and our relationships, and that includes a healthy does of unconditional grace. As a Christian, it would be hypocritical to be a willing recipient of God’s grace, but not be willing to offer the same gift to others. Would you say grace is an active part of your life? If so, how does that look?

If we aren’t careful, we can begin keeping score and creating an unfair disadvantage. Once the score cards come out, it’s incredibly hard for anyone to win – no matter what they try to do. Think about the things your spouse does that annoy you, and then reflect on the list. Are these character traits of that person? Or are they disappointments that occurred between you?

Some things that annoy us are just character traits – they’re integral to who they are, and if you think about it at least some of them contributed to you falling in love with them! For example, I loved that my husband was so relaxed and care-free; I tend to be overly task-oriented and have a hard time slowing down to enjoy life. But now I struggle with that care-free behavior meaning things that need to be done often aren’t done unless I ask. Frustrating? Yes. But without that trait I would work endlessly, never taking breaks. If we choose only to see the annoyance, we can’t see anything past that and we miss on areas that are really good.

I’m not saying that the annoyances you wrote down aren’t real, important, or maybe even painful. Grace doesn’t mean it’s blind or doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean we ignore unacceptable behavior, and it doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences. God’s grace is given to us when we repent to receive it; it requires ownership and a commitment to change. Grace is the counterintuitive choice, and there are two things Dr. Kimmel points out that we need to know:

1. The Holy Spirit gives us the power to let go of our self-protective mode, regardless of how bad the situation is;

2. Although there is pain in choosing to exercise grace, there is more pain, sorrow, and fallout when we choose not to do so.

Rely on God to give you the strength to navigate this difficult part of the process; as we’ve discussed before, He is the only one who can truly change hearts – not just your spouse’s, but your heart, too.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. – Psalm 19:14

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make  you strong, firm and steadfast. – 1 Peter 5:10

Conviction is what we feel when God is trying to warn us that there is something wrong, and it’s the catalyst to seek repentance. When the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, there is an order to things: repentance, confession, accountability, and consequences. Whether you’re the offender or the one who needs to extend grace, these things need to occur to restore a relationship. Everything about restoring a marriage begins with restoring your relationship with God.

When you’re faced with information that threatens to destroy your marriage, there are two important to answer upfront; and once you answer them, you can’t waiver from that answer (accountability becomes important here.)

• Is saving your marriage the priority?

• What are you willing to do to accomplish that?

Extending grace, particularly in hurtful situations, is not easy…but if you’re even considering extending grace, that means your spouse has already checked the boxes of repentance and confession, and are headed toward accountability. Don’t take your eyes off of that fact – bitterness and anger can seep in quickly if you do, and out comes the score card. It will also block your vision from what you need to do to move forward toward restoration. As women, we need to be prepared to step back into our divinely ordained role of helper; as men, you need to step into role as leader. It’s hard, is a whole process, and it will require grace on both sides. Once you’ve committed to your roles, decide what needs to be done to repair the damage, keeping in mind your biblical roles and the fact that Christ gave you unconditional grace you should be mirroring to your spouse.

What is God convicting you of? Have you already, or are you prepared to, repent for it? I encourage you to journal it – and then share it with your spouse. Confession is the next step.

In order to get through the valley, you need to find the strengths in your spouse and your marriage so that you have something positive to focus on.

• What strengths you bring to your marriage?

• What are the strengths your spouse brings to the marriage?

• Ask your spouse what they think…did they agree or disagree?

• How can the strengths you identified complement each other to strengthen your marriage?

• Are you currently accessing those strengths or are you only focusing on the weaknesses?

• In day to day life, are you building your partner up or tearing them down?

• Are you brave enough to ask your spouse if they agree?

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; - James 1:19

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. – Ephesians 4:29

My husband and I don’t always see eye to eye, but we do try to discuss why we feel the way we do, and we try to understand where the other is coming from. Even when we don’t agree with the other perspective, it’s valuable information if we’re going to try and extend grace in every aspect of our marriage.

It’s important that we let God’s gracious perspective define every aspect of our relationships. Because of this: your relationship will stand or fall based on your relationship with Christ. Spend this week really thinking about the lists we have made today, and what impact those lists are having, positive or negative, on your marriage. Think about the positive impact these things could have if you decided to see past the annoyances, extend grace, and capitalize off the strengths you both bring to the table. 

But we believe that we will be saved through the grace of the Lord Jesus, just as they will. – Acts 15:11