Cracked & Filled

Have you ever wanted to be cracked open, poured out and refilled again with something new? Maybe it’s strength, maybe it’s wisdom, maybe it’s peace…but this burning desire to be refilled; dare I say, changed? It’s a new feeling for me.

Hi, I’m Melanie and I am a control freak.

It’s hard to point to the one thing that tipped the scales in my life to make me feel like I needed control over everything in my life. Don’t get me wrong – I was VERY good at it. I built a successful career, had a perfect (from the outside) family, I was accomplished – all of the thing’s society told me was important. I also look back and realize I was perpetually exhausted, constantly stressed, and generally unfocused on what was happening in my present because I was so focused on my future. I was also sacrificing my own wants and desires to fit in the perfect picture I was creating.

So this morning, I find myself getting ready, listening to worship music, and praying for God to crack me open, pour me out and fill me back up with Him. I stopped mid-prayer…this request genuinely stunned me; and yet, it was coming from my lips. Better yet, it was coming from my heart.

In the last few years, particularly the last year, God has been moving mountains in my heart. Stubbornness, pride, fear – they all stood like walls around my heart protecting the soft and broken tissue inside. One by one, in small ways, He’s been chipping holes into the walls – and when He does this amazing peace rushes in. It’s a small hole, so if I’m not careful to capture it I will slip back into the driver seat and continue steering my life forward in my own plans without regard for the brief release I had. But when I do capture it, when I find that tiny hole and begin widening it – that is when I understand what the joy of the Lord really means.

After my divorce, I had the words “be happy” tattooed on my wrist so I would remember to stay focused on my feelings in life. Being happy is important, after all it’s mentioned over 100 times in the Bible, but it’s not the main goal. Joy is inspired by God, a deep spiritual peace that whatever comes in life, God is at the center of it and he has promised to bring you through it.

…Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. – Nehemiah 8:10

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. – Psalms 34:18

*This post was written a couple of years ago, when God first called me to start writing. Obviously, it took me a while to obey. That is a common pattern in my life – it’s not really that I don’t WANT to obey, I just question and doubt myself for a while (read: years) before I take that step forward in faith. It felt appropriate to begin here – where it all should have began originally.