Confessions of a Sinner

I have a confession to make – getting back into the routine of studying God’s word the last couple months has been difficult. I’m fighting a battle with myself; tragedy tends to send you into a tailspin and this one has been hard to recover from. First, I struggled with reading God’s word and fighting bitterness and self-pity because I felt like God didn’t show up in my situation. Then the lack of routine created a struggle with getting back into rhythm. Then guilt set in, which made it hard to sit at the feet of Jesus at all; coupled with serious distraction when I tried to conquer it all and sit there anyway. The overwhelming emotions tied to quiet time created such a disconnect with God that I just avoided it. I spent the holiday weekend self-talking myself back into doing better this week, and wondering deep down WHY it is so hard. I yearn for the peace that has been missing, the comfort of God’s promises washing over me. An early morning east coast meeting created the space to start back up again – but I found myself sitting on the couch scrolling through my phone for 20 minutes instead.

I’ve also noticed that the last several weeks have brought severe anxiety back into my life. I’ve struggled with shame and guilt. I’ve questioned the strength of my faith. I’ve voiced more doubts than praise to God. I’ve stressed about work. I’ve beat myself up about quiet time, home chores, work overload – you name it. All of this was a quiet mental conversation that I was only barely aware of but created a very distinct change in my behavior and a very real disconnect with my Creator. I’ve felt empty and detached, which just created more separation and more bad feelings.

I say this not to garner your sympathy – but so you know that it’s hard for everyone. That perfect Christian you see on Sunday, or that blog you follow regularly – I promise they struggle, too. I’d be willing to bet at least sometimes the encouragement they’re posting is just as much for them as it is for you.  The reminders that God loves you and sees you are sometimes a desperate attempt to fill themselves up at the same time. We all slip. We all go through things that shake us up, and even when we know God is still God and it’s the one place we should run to – sometimes we don’t.

And as I sit and type out this confession, I realize two major things:

·        All those bad feelings that kept piling on and keeping me from the One who could solve all those problems were NOT God. There is a direct correlation between my lack of studying God’s word and the shift in my self-talk. I disconnected from the source of peace and chaos entered.

·        While my worship hasn’t looked the same lately, it hasn’t been completely absent. Some days, all I had to give was quiet agreement with song lyrics or a desperate prayer confessing my doubt and guilt and struggle. It’s ok if your worship looks different through trials, as long as you don’t let go.

Connecting with God is a choice…so step one to getting back on track is making the choice to prioritize the one thing that created so much peace in my life. I’ve got to take back what is mine because I’ve let the enemy steal it for too long. Step two is to focus on the truth; the truth of who God is, what Jesus did for me, the promises in store for me. Step three, ask God for help. Worship is born from the heart, and He knows your heart anyway; it’s not like you can deny where you are and what you’re feeling. Step four, wait. God will respond, in his own time, to your plea.  

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. – Psalm 40:1-3a (David)

I wish I could say that I never had to think about prioritizing God. After all he has done for me, as much as he has shown up when I’m on the brink of disaster, for every time he was present when I wasn’t even seeking him – you’d think by now I’d have learned my lesson. But I’m human. I’m stuck in this body surrounded by everything counter to God and it’s much easier to find other things to do…and sometimes, that’s exactly what I do. When I find myself on the back end of neglecting him, the only thing I can do is confess, repent, and move forward knowing that Jesus set me free from the guilt and shame way before I ever needed it.

I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life – that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. -Romans 7:19-25a (Paul)

I find comfort that I am not alone. So, if you look up one day and realize how far you have wandered from the path – it’s ok, just lift up your cry to the One who saves and start walking back. Take a seat at the feet of the One who never gives up on you. He’s already perfect so that you don’t have to be…and I promise he will welcome you back with open arms. He’ll wash the mud from your feet and whisper quietly that it’s already forgotten, and you can pick back up right where you left off – maybe with a few bruises you picked up along the way. Faith isn’t being perfect, it’s recognizing His perfection in your weakness. Learn from it and move on.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. – Romans 8:1-2