Can we ask and still be in complete surrender?

Our baby was due this week.

I think in my heart I just hoped I would be pregnant by now so that walking through this week would be different. It would still be sad, there would still be that loss – but there would also be a promise of life and a dream restored.

It has been a whirlwind of emotions. My husband felt it well before I did and I thought maybe I’d be strong enough to walk through this unphased, but the devastation came; heavy, like a thick blanket, that settled over my whole being. Today, it was a struggle to even get out of bed and face the hours before me as they tick closer and closer to what will never be.

I have questioned these last few months how to be completely surrendered to God’s will, but still ask for the things I want. It feels paradoxical, and I’ve struggled to pray for what I want for fear of not being fully surrendered.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good fits to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! – Matthew 7:7-11

And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him. – 1 John 5:14-15

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. – Matthew 16:24-25

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6

Chances are most of those verses you have heard and know – at least in part. We have a bad habit of remembering the parts that are good for us, the promise, and leaving out the condition. For example, “if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.” I don’t know about you, but I have a really hard time finding God’s will for my life most of the time…so how do I know what to ask or when to ask it?

Is it disobedience to ask for what you might not want me to have? How am I supposed to know? Am I supposed to sit passively letting your will direct my path? That doesn’t feel right…we have to participate, walk forward. And maybe the asking is the key – the yes and no we get back direct which way we should be walking, and maybe I’m just too impatient to wait on the answer…that seems likely. This chaos has been on a hamster wheel in my brain for months, and then God finally opened it up for me.

Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “Sit here, while I go over there and pray.” – Matthew 26:36

I know this story, forwards and backwards, so when I heard God whisper this scripture, I was a little confused about why. Turns out, one important detail had escaped me.

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” – Matthew 26:39

Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, “My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.” – Matthew 26:42

So, leaving them again, he went away and prayed for the third time, saying the same words again. – Matthew 26:44

Jesus was in perfect surrender to God’s will…he even knew the plan ahead of time! But on the night it would all come to pass, he went to the Father three times – THREE! – asking that this cup pass, but acknowledging that whatever was in God’s will was the priority.

When people talk about the fact that Jesus intimately understands what it means to be human, I think we mentally skip over that. I know I have minimized what that means. How could someone so perfect and so intimately connected to God really understand what it’s like to walk as a human in a world filled with sin…but I think this passage is a clear picture of Jesus’ true humanity.

We’re always complaining because we don’t know what comes next, we’re not sure where God is leading us, we want to know more now – but Jesus knew all of that, and it didn’t change his prayer. He still petitioned the Father; he asked, knowing that God’s plan was more important than this one request.

I’m not sure if Jesus found peace in the “no” – I can’t imagine that knowing God’s plan was perfect made what followed any easier to endure. But I can cling to this picture of humanity that is my Savior, and I can draw strength knowing that whatever the answer is there is NOTHING as terrible as what he went through to save me. I can find peace in asking, and I can find peace in the no’s, because I know that my Savior knows exactly how that feels. And asking isn’t a violation of my surrender, and it’s not disobedience, as long as I recognize that whatever the answer, God is good and his will for me is perfect. Who knows when his no might be big enough to save the world.