Behind Closed Doors

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. – Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, God. That’s a brave request, and one that he is more than willing to grant. The problem with us is, we ask that when what we really mean is: Search me, God, and know the good parts of my heart; but don’t show me the things I’m not ready to deal with yet, and if you do show me something bad – make it easy to fix.

I can remember the first time I prayed that prayer and earnestly meant it. The sludge that drug up over the following months was black and gross and hard to deal with. In truth, he’s still digging out the dark things deep inside. I’ve learned, over time, to test my motivations more frequently. I consciously ask myself the why behind my actions before I do something. And I’m constantly evaluating how I will feel down the road if this comes back up…will it be something that honors God, or something I’m ashamed of?

Reality is, it’s much easier to change the public perception first; to behave in public, or toe the line when no one is looking. Post scripture, stop cursing, tell the truth (most of the time), speak kindly, short circuit my temper. It’s easier to change those areas because there is immediate reward for that – people notice those changes. They’re big, impactful.

But when I’m changing those things, only the public things, I’m changing for the world. I still serve a God who sees past the words and actions and into the depths of my heart. He knows when it’s a show and when it’s the private matter of real refinement.

As I’ve walked through this process with intent to change the deepest parts of me, I’ve learned a few more things.

1.       I’ll mess it up. I’ll make the selfish decision, lose my temper in an argument, say a curse word when I’m frustrated…it happens. The measure of my change is not the mistake, it’s the conviction I feel immediately after and my response to that conviction.  

2.       I find the real sludge not in my public interactions, but behind closed doors. It’s how I handle those things that only I know or interact with those closest to me. I notice the real change when my 18-year-old is pushing every button he so expertly knows, and I still respond in love instead of screaming my head off. When someone hurts me, and I don’t retaliate. When my husband doesn’t do what he said he would, and I choose not to nag until it gets done. When a white lie would smooth the entire situation over and not cause harm to anyone, and I still choose to tell the truth.

3.       Everything done in the dark eventually comes to light. I can make any number of choices in a day. I can do the one thing that I think no one will ever find out about…but everything done in the dark comes to light. So rather than find the loopholes, I’ve learned to ask myself how I’d feel if everyone knew that one thing I did. The day I chose to proclaim my faith, I became an example to the world of who Christ is and what Christians are; my actions will impact the entire Christian community. Would it be worth it? Would I be proud of that?

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops. – Luke 12:2-3

It’s easy to show up for Bible studies or small groups and spout what you know about God’s word. It’s easy to give advice that follows Scripture or correct a brother or sister in Christ about their sin. But at some point you must realize that it’s better to be ignorant about what God says, than to know what God says and not obey it. When you step out to lead, or take a stand for your faith, it’s more than quoting the Scripture – your daily walk, seen and unseen, needs to mirror what you know about Jesus. Much like a celebrity athlete becomes a role model, you become a representation of the worldwide Christian community. More importantly, in my opinion, you become a child of God – a Father who loves you endlessly but sees everything.

The Pharisees knew more about God’s law than anyone else; they had the entire Torah memorized. But Jesus rebuked them for their hypocrisy.

Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples, “The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses’ seat, so do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger. They do all their deeds to be seen by others.” – Matthew 23:1-5a

And in his teaching, he said, “Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes and like greetings in the marketplaces and have the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, who devour widows’ houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation.” – Mark 12:38-40

The measure of our walk is not in how much scripture we know, or how much good advice we can dole out, or how much we tithe and serve the church. The measure of our walk is what is done in the dark, behind closed doors, when no one but God is looking. It’s in how we treat those closest to us and the stranger on the street, the thoughts we let meander through our mind unfiltered, the quiet judgments we make behind their back, the control we exert over situations to manipulate the outcome we want. It’s the things we’re holding on to too tightly, the idols we place ahead of God, the deepest motivation for why we do the things we do.

“You cleanse the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside you are full of wickedness and greed.” If you’re seeking a life like Christ, start with the inside – the things no one can see.